The People’s Choice Awards will be airing this evening — and in that spirit, here’s what we, the people of TVLine, chose as the standout Quotes of the Week.
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In the compilation below, we’ve gathered nearly two dozen of TV’s most memorable sound bites from the past seven days, including moments both scripted and unscripted from broadcast, cable and streaming series.
This time around, we’ve got bon mots and zingers from Abbott Elementary, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Resident Alien and Bob Hearts Abishola, plus a line from La Brea‘s series finale that we know those writers just had to put in there.
Also featured in this week’s roundup: double doses of The Daily Show (with Jon Stewart, though we have not time-traveled back to 2015), The Traitors and NCIS: Hawai’i, plus quotable moments from FEUD: Capote vs. the Swans, The Neighborhood, Life & Beth and more shows.
Scroll through the list below to see all of our picks for the week, then hit the comments and tell us if we missed any of your faves! (With contributions from Nick Caruso, Vlada Gelman, Charlie Mason, Matt Webb Mitovich, Kimberly Roots and Ryan Schwartz)
ABBOTT ELEMENTARY
“To quote Maury Povich, you are not the father.”
“And to quote the hip-hop legend Shaquille O’Neal, his biological didn’t bother.”
Barbara (Sheryl Lee Ralph) informs Tariq (Zack Fox) that he’s not her student’s father, even if he’s dating the child’s mother
EXTENDED FAMILY
“Boston is not happy. Today, I walked into Dunkin’ Donuts and they just said, ‘Nope!’”
Bostonians make it clear that they’re mad at Trey (Donald Faison) about the Celtics’ 14-game losing streak
THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART
“The Kansas City Chiefs are world champions, which means the decades-long plot in which Travis and Taylor brainwash America into getting routine vaccinations is complete.”
THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART (Bonus Quote!)
“This is the same s—t all over again! It’s just a reboot! We need more than just the same show with an older yet familiar face.”
Correspondent Dulcé Sloan is definitely referring to the Trump vs. Biden rematch and not Stewart’s return to Comedy Central
TRACKER
“You know what the problem with you is, Colter Shaw? You’re so damn interesting.”
Reenie (Fiona Rene) just can’t quit Colter (or maybe she just hasn’t met a lot of interesting people?)
THE WOMAN IN THE WALL
“You look well.”
“Do I? F—k.”
No compliments for Lorna (Ruth Wilson), please!
GOOD TROUBLE
“To being in-laws! Again!”
“Looks like we have another wedding to plan.”
“Sure do.”
“Maybe a third, if Jude and Carter decide to tie the knot one day.”
“Too bad we don’t have a fourth child for Mariana.”
Jamie’s parents, Jim (Robert Gant) and Diane (Susan Walters), and Callie’s moms, Stef (Teri Polo) and Lena (Sherri Saum), toast their children’s engagement, which will be the second (but possibly not final) Hunter/Adams Foster union
THE CONNERS
“It’s a $20 bill. This is what they look like, Mom!”
Becky’s daughter Beverly Rose (Charlotte Sanchez) isn’t being mean, they just don’t see cash much in the Conner family
THE TRAITORS
“If you’re Sherlock Holmes, be a nice Sherlock. Don’t be Sherlock the d—k.”
Phaedra Parks makes one helluva point while comparing Peter Weber to the world-famous fictional detective
THE TRAITORS (Bonus Quote!)
“I thought for sure that I’d be the one murdered, but maybe even the traitors want to keep me because I think people trust me in this castle. They shouldn’t trust me. I would throw any of them in the moat in a second for $10.”
Kate Chastain once again proves that she DGAF
BOB HEARTS ABISHOLA
“[Dele] has not received a single notice from any of the colleges he applied to.”
“That’s what you’re looking for? Not p*rn?”
“I don’t care if he masturbat*s; I care if he goes to Harvard.”
Abishola (Folake Olowofoyeku) has her reasons for snooping through her teenager’s phone… just not the reasons Bob (Billy Gardell) is expecting
CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
“What a thing to go through. You have to think about another person? It’s just terrible!”
Larry (Larry David) tries to help Jeff figure out Susie’s birthday gift
NCIS
“This isn’t about loyalty to each other, or even loyalty to the badge. We’re federal agents with a higher calling. Our only loyalty is to the truth.”
“[Agent Rose, impressed] Have you been practicing that?”
“A little. Did I rush it?”
Agent Knight (Katrina Law) teaches Agent Rose (Kim Matula) how NCIS rolls
RESIDENT ALIEN
“Harry, you need to tell me the truth. Did you kill him? The night I sent him here?”
“Of course I did not kill him! He did not even come here. I was very upset. I had to soothe myself with some breezy music. Have you heard of yacht rock?”
While Max (Judah Prehn) and Sahar (Gracelyn Awad Rinke) question Harry (Alan Tudyk) about the alien tracker, he lets them in on his new music obsession
FEUD: CAPOTE VS. THE SWANS
“Did she say she knew outright?”
“Do any of you ever say anything outright?”
Bill (Treat Williams) can’t fathom why Slim (Diane Lane) would imagine Babe confronting him about their affair in a straightforward way
NCIS: HAWAI’I
“I programmed the smart home devices at my condo to be completely self-sustaining if I become incapacitated. [beat] Of course, now my smart home doesn’t need me anymore…”
Is Ernie (Jason Antoon) too smart for his own good? (Or is his home?)
NCIS: HAWAI’I (Bonus Quote!)
“You staying at a hotel?”
“No.”
“Rental?”
“Nope.”
“Tent on the beach…?”
“No, Ernie.”
“Your conversation is as forthcoming as your personnel file.”
“You looked at my personnel file?”
“‘At’ is a strong word.”
Ernie (Jason Antoon) gets to know Sam (LL Cool J) better – or at least tries to
LIFE & BETH (Episode 1)
“Hyperkyphosis.”
“Is that cancer?”
“No, hyperkyphosis is — well, it’s a fancy word for just a hump. It’s often called a ‘widow’s hump.’”
“A hump?”
“Yeah.”
“My lovely lady lumps?”
Beth (Amy Schumer) looks to the Black Eyed Peas for hope after her doctor gives her news she doesn’t want
THE NEIGHBORHOOD
“So, you can buy a $9 bag of seaweed, but can’t buy a $2 condom?”
Calvin (Cedric the Entertainer), upon finding out that Marty knocked up Fuse Box employee Courtney
LA BREA
“Where were you…?”
“I got stuck in traffic on La Brea.”
Eve (Natalie Zea) finally reunites with Gavin (Eoin Macken) and the family
GHOSTS
“Well, our website does promise an immersive experience with the local fauna.”
“An immersive experience with the local fauna is how I got Cholera.”
Sam’s (Rose McIver) attempt to calm an unhappy B&B guest prompts one of the basem*nt ghosts to share a not-so-fun fact
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